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Well, get ready, 'cause here's a REAL Redneck story!! Straight from the heart of Redneck Country...... July 1998
Just yesterday, due to a malfunction in my Anti Lock Brake System, requiring my van to be at the shop for repair, I had the dubious pleasure of driving my dear husband, Stan's 1985 Metallic Blue Toyota Corolla to Wednesday evening service at church. I now know why he declined to attend the service with me. This automobile is the 'car' version of the 'Redneck Pick-Up'. It's given new meaning to the word, 'rattletrap'. I had not stepped foot or limb into this vehicle since 1989 so the experience I'm about to describe was unexpected and will forever be imprinted upon my mind. So goes the saga of my never to be forgotten trip in the Blue Toyota:
I opened the door to the driver's seat, and while seating myself, I noticed a haze quickly surrounding me. I looked around and discovered that it was a cloud of something that looked very much like smog. On closer inspection, I realized that it was actually a fallout of dirt particles that I'd stirred up upon my entry. As the dust rose, it was joined by a shower of grit from the headliner above me. I made the mistake of looking up, and was treated to an eyeful of the long decomposed material that had once made up the protective covering overhead. I knew that I needed fresh air immediately, so I reached for the handle to roll down the window, and to my shock, not only was thsere no handle, but I could see (due to the fact that the door liner was completely gone), that inside the door was a piece of two by four board being used as a shim to hold the window up. The board was wedged tightly so as not to allow the window to fall down into the door.
By then, I was losing my ordinarily good natured patience. Mind you, I am a member of the Praise and Worship team at our church, and when I arrive just before the service, I am expected to be in good voice with a decent spiritual attitude. The dust and decayed particles which had by now filled my throat and lungs, had pretty much taken care of the good voice part; and the spiritual attitude aspect of the requirements of a faithful Worship Team member were quickly approaching a 'system crash.' Well, determining that nothing would keep me from my commitment to my fellow believers, with good natured resolve, I started the engine. It was then that I heard it! The noise that proceeded from the back of that car sent my dust covered hair flying! I was later informed that it was nothing to be so 'hyper' about ... it was just that the muffler was hanging by a thread and a prayer. I might add that at least THAT item has been addressed and repaired promptly this morning!
The drive to church was fairly uneventful, except for the fact that I was driving into the sunset, and being temporarily blinded, I naturally reached for the visor to shield my stinging and watering eyes .... and you guessed it .... there was no visor ... only a faded shadow where one used to be in days gone by. Why was I surprised? At some point in time, I began to imagine things and talk to myself, saying things like ... "I can't prove it, but I'll bet he's got a red grease rag as a replacement gas cap", and "I wonder if I'll be arrested on the way to church for noise and air pollution?", and "Maybe he'll win a sweepstake and get a new car.", and "How could he do this to me???", (and a few other things which I shall refrain from mentioning.) At the end of the long trek, I arrived at our church, which is approximately three city blocks from our house. I stealthily drove to the end of the parking lot, all the while glancing around to make sure I could slip out of the vehicle without being noticed. When the coast was clear, I reached for my Bible, which was buried under a layer of dust, exited the car, and breathed a quick prayer of thanks that no one saw me. With luck, I had preserved my sophisticated reputation!
To sum this all up, I had a discussion with Stan about his "car" this morning; and he informed me that he resented my calling his car a 'rattletrap.' He said I'd insulted "OLD BLUE." (for those of you who are not versed in the ways of 'redneckism', it is typical to NAME your vehicle) He demonstrated how easy it is to remove the two by four and let the window down ever so gently, and how to reinsert it to hold the window in a closed position. He did not hesitate to remind me that it was MY new fangled Dodge Caravan LE that was in the shop yesterday, and his so called rattletrap has 211,000 miles on it and is still running at a cool 20 miles per gallon. Oh yes, he also denied that there's a red grease rag on his fuel tank opening. Well, to maintain harmony in our home, and to avoid doing permanent damage to our relationship, I had to admit he was right about the machine still running; and if 'OLD BLUE' still gets him where he wants to go, who am I to criticize? But, in my heart of hearts, I'm going to go on hoping for the sweepstakes win, and I'll add a new thanksgiving to my daily devotions .. and that is: "Thank You, Lord, for my 'new fangled' Dodge Caravan LE!! Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!" By the way, I DID NOT mean to infer that my husband is in any way a 'redneck!!' But, HIS CAR IS!!! Sincerely, Genelle Tennant (and in case you're wondering ... This story is true!!!!) Copyright
© 1991 Genelle Tennant
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